Uhhh so, holy shit, turns out I have a lot of feelings about exes. Not love, not hatred, just feelings of compassion and gratitude. They taught me so much and they made me the person I am today.
Being a married woman, I exactly know when a judgment is coming for me talking about an ex! I don’t understand why. I have always wondered how that makes me unfaithful. It’s just a story that helped me grow in life, right?! Like any other story about a long-lost friend or an expedition.
Today’s essay is rawer than most of my blogs will be (I definitely don’t have as many thoughts on certain topics as I do on my own failed romances, LMAO)
Does that mean I am living in the past? Or do I love my husband any less? I know my answers, you are free to form yours.
Relationships are hard, everyone says.
And they seem particularly hard when you’re with someone who isn’t the right fit. I have been in a fair share of relationships where it was just too hard. I mean I was more miserable in one than being single, and even then I dragged it like chewing gum because choosing alone was scary.
My parents had a weird relationship back then, they fought and were disrespectful to each other, and how much ever I tried I ended up being in relationships that turned out to be exactly the same. It’s funny now but honestly, that was my definition of normal, that is what I manifested.
My younger teenage version thought having an “easy” relationship is not as edgy or sparky enough. And because relationships are hard (that’s what I had seen in every marriage around me), I thought its normal to feel edgy. Today I have something else to say — Yes, relationships are hard, and they need hard work. But I shouldn't wake up every day feeling like it's a “hard slog” like I am going to work on a construction site (even if I am).
Many of my students are coming of age, when I blabber about choosing easy over sparky/edgy, I often am interrogated about what do I mean by an easy relationship.
So an ode to that. Thoughts on an easy relationship
1. You feel okay about yourself — consistently.
Your partner likes you — the whole package — the good, the bad, the lazy, and the crazy, and even if they might not say those exact words, you will know in their action, in their expression, in their hard work to understand and respect you. You like who you are when you’re with your partner which further teaches you to like yourself more. Although in some cases like myself, you can be jeopardizing and find some reason to not feel okay. But that's you, not them or your relationship.
2. You feel safe — physically, sexually and emotionally.
Obviously, feeling safe with someone is critical. But you also feel safe to raise the “controversial” topics and they might not run away or avoid or drive you nuts/guilty for bringing up a topic — and that your partner will listen and their reactions will be fair and reasonable, even if they don’t always agree with you. It’s about the patience to deal with differences.
3. You can not-talk for hours.
Haha! I cannot talk to Hardik for more than 15 minutes straight. Unless we are talking about a topic of conversation. I mean when you live with each other, what do you talk about every day? The wonderful part is to be as comfortable in silence as you are with talking.
4. You know who’s walking through the door.
You don’t have to guess or wait to see which version of your partner has shown up for your anxiety to settle. So you’re as happy to see them before they show up — as well as when they do. The whole temperament doesn’t become floral or mean. It’s just almost the same. Actually maybe a little more warm if you like each other still (The cynic talking).
5. You sort out disagreements quickly.
You feel comfortable saying I am sorry. No fear of being attacked later. You don’t hold grudges or storm out of the house or give the silent treatment or use sex as a weapon (ugh, fine!) or any other dysfunctional “battle” strategies. Even when you use any of the above-mentioned tricks, you don’t become defensive when it's pointed out; even if you become defensive, you try to listen; If you can’t listen then, you calm your nerves and are ready to listen later. I mean there’s a silver lining for sure. :)
6. Your partner encourages you to do what you gotta do.
Wow. Your partner wants you to have a life beyond them. That isn’t crazy, that is a breather to be honest, for you and for them.
7. It just feels nice.
You struggle to put it into words but it just feels good.
As Helen Keller said: “the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” It feels…right.
Thanks for reading the draft blog. Didn’t have enough time today and now I have a meeting in exactly 18 minutes. Buh bye!
P.S: Need to start making the skeleton of these blogs or soon all the blogs will be draft blogs.
Day 3| Merci exes
